Daly/Dial campaign
From Wiki Gonzalez
The Daly/Dial campaign
In the fall of 2004, baseball primate and Gulf War veteran Jon Daly announced his candidacy for president, ushering in the most turbulent era in political and electoral realignment this nation has seen since the 1850s. To honor this remarkable run, here is a blow-by-blow account of this historic campaign.
October 1: In a local watering hole, Jonathan Daly announces his candidacy for president. Local revellers use this as an excuse to get a free round. It would be the high point of the campaign.
October 2: Foregoing qualified candidates, Daly names North Carolina chemist Chris Dial as his vice presidential candidate, in an effort for geographical balance to insure the ticket gets trivial token votes in states in different parts of the country.
October 3: Daly/Dial adopt their campaign slogan: Replace the Candidates with Replacement Level Candidates.
October 4: Daly names Matt Rauseo his campaign manager. Rauseo's first act is to appropriate 67% of the campaign budget for his own personal salary. Between that and a nickel he has saved up, he's able to buy a gumball.
October 5: Plans to name UCCF provisional attorney general fall through when UCCF declares that any job that causes him to come into that much contact with god damn lawyers is something he wants no part of.
October 6: Daly names meatwad his choice as Secretary of Education, claiming he couldn't possibily get a qualified person to answer his phone calls.
October 7: Daly hires Repoz as his press secretary in order to confuse the press with his arcane references.
October 8: Dial gives a press conference in order to call for an investigation of the composition of MLB baseballs over the past several years.
October 9: Daly and Dial vow to have Bud Selig tarred and feathered, and forced into Canada if they are elected.
October 10: Canadian government officials announce that they'll break diplomatic relations with the US if Daly/Dial are elected based on previous day's declaration.
October 11: Dial notes reporter comment from October 2 and belatedly responds to it.
October 12: Joe Morgan attacks the campaign, claiming that if elected they'd make Billy Beane the national poet laureate
October 13: Daly/Dial call for legislation that would make doing the wave a felony.
October 14: Dial's speech at the local county jail is cut short when his wife posts his bail (public intoxication and lewd behavior).
October 15: Daly and Dial call for emergency federal disaster relief to be made available to Larry Mahnken.
October 16: Candidate Jon Daly calls for national day of prayer and atonement as Red Sox lose game 3 of the ALCS.
October 17: Daly campaign staff revise their Oct 15 statement. In keeping with the campaign's belief in small government, they'll only support federal aid to Larry if he renounces the Yankees.
October 18: Daly announces campaign goal to win a plurality of the Daly family vote.
October 19: Daly & Dial make a deal with the Chicagoland Mafia to secure votes in the Midwest.
October 20: In an effort to secure more support from Chicago, Daly calls for the public execution of Steve Garvey.
October 21: Dial notes comments made in the press on October 11th and belatedly responds to them.
October 22: Deal with the Chicagoland Mafia falls through when it turns out that stat-nerds who surf the web are not the most effective people at intimidating people into voting for a particular candidate.
October 23: Focus group study comes back and tells the candidates to focus heavily on mudslinging the main candidates as their survey showed little interest in them, their ideas, their politics, and their looks.
October 24: Daly/Dial fail to get put on the ballot in any state due to "overwhelming voter indifference to the campaign."
October 25: Daly decries economic platforms of oppposing candidates for the affect their ideas would have on the common man. He calls this effect "The Tanana Factor."
October 26: Desert Storm Soldiers for the Truth attack Daly, claiming he doesn't actually exist.
October 27: Daly calls for a national day of rejoicing as the Red Sox win the World Series.
October 28: Campaign secures their first editorial endorsement as Aaron Gleeman, magnate behind The Hardball Times, applauds thier stance on Bud Selig.
October 29: Accusations are made that Daly has a criminal past and has had to resort to aliases such as Bily Herman's Hermits to elude the authorities.
October 30: Dial notes reporter comment made on October 19 and belatedly responds to it.
October 31: In a guardedly worded press release, Daly says he has never been convicted of any felonies, and ignores the rest of the 10/29 accusations.
November 1: Daly calls for the legalization of Public Option J'ing.
November 2: Allegations surface that Chris Dial spent a night in bed with a gay man in Cincinnati over the summer.
November 3: Dial responds to the previous day's allegations by admitting it, and furthermore declaring: "That weekend was the best time I've had in years."
November 4: Dial's wife files for divorce.
November 5: Dial announces he'll sit out the remainder of the campaign to fight for custody of his daughter and baseball cards, perhaps even in that order.
November 6: Daly gives press conference to lament the fact that he has not been mentioned in any electoral sex scandals, preferably one involving him and either Jennifer Connelly, or Catherine Zeta-Jones.
November 7: Daly's recent campaign appearance cut short when his boss orders him to quit goofing off and get to work.
November 8: Daly announces he'll personally pay every person who voted for him $100 bucks if elected.
November 9: ELECTION DAY. They lose every state in the union, winning a total of four votes in MA, 2 votes in NC, a vote in MI, and an absentee ballot in OR. In his concession speech Daly announces he's thrilled he won't have to deal with the responsibility of solving the world's problems, as it could interfere with his web-surfing.
